Some Good Results

Well! I has been a while since I last blogged. The good news was I got the results back from my removal of my mole and luckily and praise God.... It was benign. Now I just have to look forward to my upcoming scans on Thursday. The anxiety over the scans is killing me but I will trust in Him and I will not be afraid.

Waiting on Results

So, I have not updated on here in a little while. I had my last infusion treatment of Yervoy for the every 3 weeks. My scans are November 1. I had a suspicious mole on my shoulder and I had that removed. I am still waiting for the results but the dermatologist didn't  think it was anything.

These waiting for the results is making me crazy. At least, I am not really feeling the results from the drugs like I did the last treatment. I am just really in a mood of hesitation due to the upcoming scans. I am really fearful that I will have more cancer someplace else.  I just need to trust in the Lord and live for the moment.

Nerves

Well, I have been anticipating my upcoming treatment this Thursday. I am nervous and relieved for it coming it.  I just want it to be over so I can enjoy the upcoming month of November. November is a very busy month. Usually, I celebrate my kiddos birthdays and enjoy Thanksgiving.  I am afraid how my body is going to react with the last treatment. I have been having a lot more energy and can actually take care of the chores around the house without complete exhaustion... excepting for cooking....long story.

I am afraid of the scans as of November 1 too. Scans always make me nervous and in previous posts I have mentioned I am terrified of a recurrence. The psychological bargaining one is placed is so difficult through cancer. I ask God in my prayers to take away my nervousness and fear because He is the only one that knows all and sees all and knows what is on my heart and I need to give Him all the glory!

Late night Despair

Lately, I have been on the verge of psychological collapse. I have been constantly crying and feeling sorry for myself. My self-pity party was wearing on myself. I just was upset over the whole situation of having cancer and watching my health deteriorate in front of my eyes. The frustration that there is nothing I could do and little I could do to control the situation of losing all my weight and being sick from the drugs just got to me. I thought why me God.

Luckily, I got the docs to put some iv fluids and add some drugs to my daily routine. I have been gaining some strength back but I still have one more treatment. I am scared on how much that will knock me out and the scans in two weeks. This cancer experience in terrifying. I think God is really breaking me to build me up. I was a at a point of total despair the other night. Just thinking what is the reason for this God. Why me? And the song lyric popped in my head, "I am not finished with you yet." I do not know what God has in store for me. For all, I know I may have six months to live or another eighty. I just need to trust in Him who saves. After some more pondering and crying, God gave me a peace. Its just something that is so hard to describe. Just a peace, that is really intervention for my self pity party. The verse came into my head, "Be silent, be still and know I am God!" All I need to do is trust. Thank you God for that reminder! Help my faith remain on fire for you

Glorious Food!

For the last 2 infusions of Yervoy, I have had a see food and puke diet, leading to lots a weight loss. I talked to the docs and they had be try various prescriptions to get rid of the nausea. Finally, after puking 5 times per day, they have given me a wonderful elixir of prescription medications where I can EAT.

I can hardly describe the words of eating an entire hamburger after a protein avoidance of 3 weeks. It  was great. I am slowly ingesting what I can in small intervals because I am still just skin and bones. I am still tired alot and we had to make the decision of packing up the fam and taking them to the in-laws so I can rest better. How I am thankful I married in to a bigger family.

I am feeling better and my mood is perking up. I had a good talk with God and I need to understand all things are in his will.