THE RESULTS....

I finally got my results back for my clinical trial. I can only remain patient for so long but I am really getting tested. For the clinical trial, I will be on the research arm on the study, which is exactly what I had prayed for.  Yerzoy aka ipilimumab will be the infusion drug.  I hope it works!

The Waiting Game!

I got the results back from my scans! Thank God they came clear. I have such a sigh of relief with this. Now I am still waiting for the results of which drug I will be taking for my clinical trial. Its either Interferon or Yerzoy. I am hoping for the later but I am still waiting for the results of this. I pray that I can get some results of this soon.

Worry Over Results

In the midst of waiting for my results from testing for a clinical trial I am participating in, I am very (extremely) worried about them. I don't know why I am. I guess the nervous feeling that I may have additional melanoma in other areas internally, despite having a scan less than 6 weeks previously. My husband keeps on insisting that I have nothing to worry about but I feel like I have everything to worry about. What if I have tumors elsewhere?

Now, I am in a state of constant paranoia. I am frightened of the possibility of being upstaged to even more worse statistical category. I guess I have selfish intentions of desiring to live longer but in my stage of life I have made a lot of the many "life" accomplishments. Find the love of my life, married, had children, purchased a house are all the things I have done. But I still have the desire to live a little longer on this life, I feel that I have even more to give in this life. 

I just have to accept that  I do not have control.

Anxiety Over Scans

I have some up coming tests and scans Thursday for the clinical trials I am doing at the local hospital. The anxiety is overwhelming. I am more crabby and angered more easily this week. The little things are really getting to me.

I had a good cry session yesterday night because of my self-pity. The overwhelming feeling of lacking control is really frustrating. I need to put into God's hands and trust in Him to know everything will be okay.



Scans are tomorrow! Pray everything goes well!

Good Intentions Gone Wrong

Recently, I made a post on my facebook page just as a helpful reminder this summer to all my friends. Well, I can't even make this up. It goes as follows:

Me: Tanning cause cancer. Remember apply sunscreen.

Comment of "friend":  alot of new research seems to indicate that it's actually the chemicals in most sunscreens that cause/promote/accelerate cancer. This is due to the chemicals trapping your sweat and mixing with it and the toxins your body trying to sweat out of the skin...and then letting the toxins trapped there bake in the sun....google it ;)


Now I have to come clean. I have not told the facebook world that I have Melanoma because, frankly, I do not want to deal with people even though most have good intentions. 

 This one just made me laugh and the sarcasm in me was saying, "Been there. done that." This is just one of those good intentions gone wrong but I think I will put my faith in sunscreen rather than getting a nice burn and look like this.

50/50.. A good movie for laughs...

I recently watched 50/50 for kicks and needed some humor because I am in a funky mood... i.e. I am feeling sorry for myself.  Basically, the whole premise of this movie is this young guy gets cancer and the prognosis is not good.  Boy, doesn't that sound familiar? It goes through the steps of the process of getting the initial diagnosis and directly handling it internally and externally. The main character had great development but the romantic side of it was expected and predictable. The only thing really lacking with the whole cancer process portrayed within the movie was the constant feeling you are vulnerable for another re-occurrence of the disease. At points, this can be a paralyzing fear. I would recommend to any  young person with cancer.

Best Quote:
Adam: A tumor?
Dr. Ross: Yes.
Adam: Me?
Dr. Ross: Yes.
Adam: That doesn't make any sense though. I mean... I don't smoke, I don't drink... I recycle...

Cancer needs some humor sometimes

After going to the doctors offices so often within the past three months, I think this video says it all. Enjoy

Thoughtful Idea of the Day

I came across a very interesting quote. As a cancer patient, I am still pondering this myself.

“Cancer sucks, and, when you have it, you don’t have a lot of privacy in the hospital. You’re naked. Being naked and alone can be terrifying … but being naked in a group can be quite beautiful.” 

John Wilibanks

This is sited off an organization's website called TED by a speaker for one of their conventions. Personally, I am not able to view it but Mr. Wilibanks came up with the concept of sharing medical information through unconventional sources. His concept base was "a database where, in the future, more than a million participants will give blanket consent for their medical and lifestyle data to be shared and studied." Hence, the quote.

The sense of community is lacking for me. I am scared straight of addressing the issue to others within my immediate circle of friends and family that I am a cancer patient. I am better telling others that I have cancer through an anonymous source.  I am afraid of the reactions. I have always disliked attention especially per say negative. Not to say that cancer is a reflection of the negative things I  have done wrong but the disheartening predicament I am in.  I know I would get the "uplifting" verbiage from all those none cancerees, the lovely saying include 'You will be okay/fine,' 'Everything will work out,' 'How are you doing?(with compassionate glim),' and personally my favorite, 'It's only skin cancer.' I don't want to be the center of the gossip circle. I just want to be me. I want to be the same old Karen I know that is in there. The best way to describe my lack of communication with others concerning my diagnosis is my fear of  being exposed.

Source
Torgovnick, Kate. "Looking forward, looking back: TEDGlobal 2012 recap." TED Blog. TED, 29 06 2012. Web. 29 Jun. 2012. <http://blog.ted.com/>.