Uncertainty

Uncertainty is the frustration for melanoma. I never know how long I have. What will happen in 5 years 10 years? Will I still be here? I pray that I will see my 30th or even my 35th birthday but if the good Lord decides to take me. I will go willing. Although I have the selfish desire to witness my children become adults, I believe in God's Providence. I just want to go on living. I feel I have still so much to give.

Will I make it? This is the inevitable question. Do I have the strength, the determination, the drive, and the willpower to beat this disease? I have faith that I will. My husband definitely thinks so. He is always saying, "As long as I get another twenty years out of you, I will be happy." Though the uncertain nature of the disease makes me feel uneasy about that prospect. I feel that doubting feeling that I may not make to twenty years. 

The unpredictable nature of the game provides the realization just how precious life is. Being told at twenty five that I have cancer has changed my outlook on the daily routine of life. I am more patient and enjoying every little moment I have with my family especially my children. As the song sings on, "Gotta life like you are dying..."

 Any moment I may lose my life. A plane might fly into my home. There might be a gas leak in my house and it explodes. I get killed instantly in a car accident. There are so many things that could go wrong. Cancer in my case was the thing that went wrong. I may lose my life to this disease or I may carry on.